If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
