i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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