My first STD was from a foam party
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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