you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
