Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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