So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
the day after is always just damage control
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
