wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
