phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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