What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
