Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
