The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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