my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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