i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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