We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
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It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
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In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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