saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
