Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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