Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
