you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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