Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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