Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
