Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
