Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
