I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
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