I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
