I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
