I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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