I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
