my room smells like sperm. sweet.
barbara walters just said penis...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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