My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
