Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
