I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
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Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
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Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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