the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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