I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
