Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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