I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
