I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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