hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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