so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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