the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
