Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
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Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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