i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
