Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
