I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
