I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
