i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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