i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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