cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
