well I can't set my house on fire every night
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
