either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
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My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
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That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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