dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
