Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
