Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
