im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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