i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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