I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
