She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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