I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
