He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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